well, im back in the states, and officially staying... for a LONG time.  but im really happy about it.  while i was in germany, i really just wanted to be home. 

now im using my time to scrapbook with my aunt, hang out with my cousins, spend lots of quality time with my dad and karen, buy starbucks vanilla cremé... and work, of course! 

ive been a bit happier lately, because of the friendship i have continued with tilman... we fixed things, and i feel so much more relaxed bout the whole thing now.  we talk when we get a chance... and sms sometimes. 

i will admit that i feel sad because of the stuff i had to leave behind me... the whole idea of germany was lost when i got on that plane to come home... but a new idea of here, and strengthening my family has gotten a lot more important.  i was talking with my aunt yesterday, and she was reviewing the fact that i first went to germany for the year when i was only 17, and she said that was awful young... but i just think of it as an early learning experience... and now i know how much more i appreciate my life in the states... even more than i ever would have, im sure.  and while my family seems to be falling apart... well, already fell, im also really happy with the fact that i, now on my own, can build relationships with whomever without taking input from anyone else... i am free to love everyone, even though they can be bitchy or jerky (as every human can and will be) but i can move past that, and just have fun with them.  they dont judge me, they support me through everything, and that is more than i ever thought i could expect from an already awsome family. i missed out on a lot of things as a little kid... i missed out on getting to know each one of my family members - my dad, grandparents, and others - for who they really are... and not just some stupid judgement made unfairly.  im happy they give me a chance to get to know them... and dont hold me to the same historical grudges that so many seem to have these days.  thank god for forgiveness, and power of self thinking.